When people describe me they would say I’m silly, funny, easygoing, passionate, energetic, an open book, (sometimes too open) giving, trusting, loving, love God, love my family, love animals, an extrovert but also an introvert…my closest friends understand this. When I love something or stand for something I will shout it to the world. I’m honest to a fault. You either love me for it or hate me for it. I have never been called fake by people who really have taken the time to get to know me. I’m a lover of books. Knowledge. I will research the heck out of something. I’m an over thinker. I love hard when I finally open my heart to someone but I don’t do that very easily. I am my fathers child. This post is going to be very transparent and I hope it helps someone who may be suffering. Recognize the signs and seek help if you think you need it. It’s okay.

On the start of the new year I had no idea what I was in for. I’ve been through a lot in my life. I could write a book. Only the good Lord has sustained me and I’ve gotten all my strength from him. But this year would be my hardest test to date. Somehow I feel I’ve lost some parts of me. Like a car with the check engine light on. There is a system overload. Not to mention I’m in full blown menopause. What a curse us women have to endure. It sends your emotions on a whole other level.

January I got divorced and I was trying to work through all those emotions. I lost interest in my Farmasi business doing makeup tutorials. My clients kept asking when I would start them back up and I just lost my desire to do it. You who know me know I was super passionate about that. That was my first sign something was off with me. I can’t go into the details of my divorce but trauma will Honestly make you feel dead inside. You start to question yourself? You start responding to people and reacting from an out of control emotional place. I was angry and upset and taking it out on people around me. I recognized it immediately and apologized to the ones in my path and began to seek out help.

As the year went along I felt really good. I have a great support system. God has blessed me with wonderful godly friendships and family. My daddy and I talked every single day. My daddy and I have almost the same personality. I can tell him anything. He always listened. He always supported me. He gave me the best advice and could make me laugh even if I was balling my eyes out. I always said I can depend on God and my daddy to sit and listen to me. So when I lost him to Covid August 17 2020. I felt the life sucked out of me. My person was gone. Gone forever. I couldn’t even process it in my mind. One minute I’m talking to him on the phone and the next he’s on a vent. I’ve lost many loved ones over the years but losing my daddy shook my entire heart, body, and soul to the core. While my daddy was in the hospital my son Micah had his first seizure in the waiting room. At first I thought it was a panic attack because of the stress of everything but three days later he got into a car accident because he had a seizure behind the wheel. Thankfully everyone was okay and I know God was protecting him. When we took him to the doctor we discovered he had a 3 centimeter brain tumor two inches deep in his brain behind his optical nerves. The tumor had to be removed. The blow of my son having a brain tumor caused me to really go numb. I just shut down. I believe that is a defense mechanism. It’s not healthy but it’s how I got through it. The doctors here referred us to Scottish Right Children’s Hospital. We had an amazing team of doctors. It was a ten hour surgery and the tumor was removed successfully! The tumor was benign. Praise the lord. People kept asking me if I was freaking out about my son and I said no. God had given me such a peace about it. I just knew the surgery was going to go well. We got through it and Micah is doing more than incredible!!!

I didn’t take any time off work to process the loss of my daddy. I kept working and trying to stay busy. Anything to not process the hurt and pain I was feeling. When you lose a loved one to Covid it’s a totally different loss. Family and friends treat you different. You can’t memorialize your loved one the way they should be remembered. It’s pain on top of pain on top of pain. Those of you who’ve experienced it understand what I’m talking about. I finally hit a breaking point in the salon when someone asked me if my dad got the Covid shot. I exploded. The tears, the anger of losing my daddy to this terrible disease, the loss was just unbelievably unbearable. Thankfully the clients I had in the salon love me and prayed me through it. I would describe it like a volcano erupting. Every emotion I was avoiding just came out. The little girl inside of me just collapse in a puddle of anguish. I’m still processing the loss of my daddy. The holidays have been so hard. When you lose a love one and you don’t want to do the holidays or you want to do something totally different. Do it!!!! I’ve decided this Christmas to go away to a spa retreat to get refreshed, refocused, and heal. I don’t want to take any baggage into the new year. I know I won’t be the old free spirited me. The loss of my daddy will always be in my heart. I want to get back to the best version of me. You can do that too. Just be gentle and kind with yourself. Focusing on health and nutrition is always a good start. Find motivation to go to the gym. Be thankful for everyone and everything. It’s so easy to fall into a negative mindset when we walk through hell but recognizing it and changing what you say and think will flip that negative to positive. Being grateful is a great start. Respect your sense of self worth and know what’s good for you and what isn’t. When we are at our lowest point we are emotionally vulnerable. Guard your heart and be careful who you open up too. If someone doesn’t really know you they will think you are just needy or crazy. Put a smile on your face and remind yourself you are loved! Love every part of you even if others don’t understand it. God made you the way you are. Embrace who you are. Last my not least, honor you journey in this life. We all have to roll with the punches. We get knocked to the ground. Don’t stay down. Get back up. Get refocused and find your purpose in this life.

Each day and in every way we will get stronger as we continue on the road to healing. You give yourself a gift by staying in a state of hopefulness. You don’t set yourself up for disappointment like you do when you have expectations. We are in charge of our mind, our minds aren’t in charge of us. Be cautious of your thoughts. Your thoughts control your life. Keep doing the healing work. Don’t allow your mind to fall into that familiar wounded groove. Gently talk to yourself and think on the positive. Remember we are perfectly imperfect. If you struggle with thoughts I recommend “The battlefield of the mind” by Joyce Myers. You can’t really love someone else unless you really love yourself. Celebrate your uniqueness and who you are today because there will never be another you. Xoxo

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